Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Confusing Universe
03-08-2014, 04:07 PM, (This post was last modified: 03-30-2014, 10:05 AM by Gray Morning.)
#1
Confusing Universe
I wrote this in a shock so it's pretty sloppy:


i get that when you are tired everything feels different but anyway...

i just had one of the craziest nights of my life (top 5)
i dont want to get into this rape thing yet too much but yea umm...
i was very stressful about people possibly being raped in the world
even though i understand i have no reason to worry about that at all
so i had couple panic attacks and then my head was hurting and
i felt tired, apparently that can happen after stress

after a while i kinda felt lika i have fever. (still do now at 6:40 am while writing this)

i shared a pic on facebook at like 00:00, it always says like:
"shared about 1 hour ago" when you publish pic or whatever

later when it was like 02:18, it still
said "about 1 hour ago" but it should say "2 hours ago"
then i was like (like i many times think and i assume some others do too,
sometimes srs and sometimes not) "it's going to change into "2 hours ago" soon,
and that will mean that god exists"

i said to myself "i'm going to wait" and at the same time(or just after)the song i was
listening to said "And i'm still waiting" (lol) these kind of things happen to me all the
time so i was like "yea...again... not surprised" aaand then maybe 4 seconds later it
changed into "2 hours ago" then i was like, "okay god exists" i many times come to
that cunclusion (or its like the universe listens) so this shouldnt make me feel much
different.

at this point i should mention that at one point i used to pray every night
because i believed it helped. it felt like slavery and i didnt want to do that
and when i noticed that it doesnt help at all i stopped.

BUT now because i wasnt feeling good in my head, right after i thought "okay god exists"
i felt like god was with me or something, i still felt the pain but wasnt stressed or
scared, i felt better in other words. i got this feeling that cant be explained in words.

then i like suddenly changed into religious human. for example i thought that i want to
go to church while wearing a suit and spread the word of god and thank god for everything lol.
then i thought "wait a minute...i don't agree with all this stuff"
it was like god was forcing me to this religion. so i was like "ok god, i may believe you
exist but i don't agree with all the stuff you may want me to agree" so i was afraid god will
punish me if i dont' agree lol

the church/suit thing felt like something i want to do or i have to do when it came to my mind
and because i don't really agree with that, it started to get scary. i didnt understand
how conscious i am anymore or what i should believe in.

i get that it was just a coincidence the whole facebook thing. its just that these kind of
things happen to me(and some others) so often and sometimes they are so miraculous that
they just seem like "signs" or like the "game" is trying to tell us that this indeed is a game
lol

so now i pretty much went nuts, after a while i went to bed and went even more nuts.
it was like finding out about illuminati but 10 times worse and of course i dont just
want to deny everything. i just told myself that i'm going to think more in the morning.
i woke up maybe 2 hours later at about 5:30 am and was shaking a lot (like i got cold)
and heart was beating fast. then i came to the comp and started to write this.

its already pretty bad to have panic attacks because of like i mentioned, rape.
sometimes i just cant get the image of it out of my head. so i dont know how sane
i actually am. no idea what to think or do, i feel very very bad. now that i think of it
i've never felt this bad in my life.
Time to realize that the truth is not so clear!!!
Iconoclast - Silence
03-08-2014, 04:43 PM,
#2
RE: Untitled Thread 1
I can actually relate to it. I never felt like wearing a suit and all but being pushed to a church, yes. I never felt like going in though.
Maybe you were insane and now you're becoming sane Wink Too bad it's so stressful but maybe it's a natural reaction.
You are your own future, you write your own book,
you choose the colors of your world, you choose the patterns of your words,
the past you can't erase so live for today.
After Words - Looking Back
03-30-2014, 11:30 AM,
#3
RE: Confusing Universe
I was raised christian and I use to do the same thing about looking for reasons to confirm that 'god' exists, I would get that religious feeling of confirmation and wonder about the forest with a huge smile on my face saying "gods real, gods real". but after awhile I realized that if I am constantly trying to mentally assimilate something with confirming 'god' that it will always happen eventually.

I agree with Gatis, it was difficult for me to change views, It made me cry a lot at the thought of how much time had been wasted learning about lies, I got angry at my parents and all that. In the end you will look back and be thankful you have these moments.

It was always apparent that church was brainwashing me, I can remember from about 5-10 years old screaming about not wanting to go in and sit in silence, not moving, listening to shit I didn't understand or care about.
Smoke durries, eat curries.
03-30-2014, 05:04 PM,
#4
RE: Confusing Universe
I actually went into a church here for the first time a bit after that post. It was okay, a bit ugly with 2 people inside sitting in silence.
What I noticed is even on a busy street you can't hear anything from the outside because of the thick walls.
You are your own future, you write your own book,
you choose the colors of your world, you choose the patterns of your words,
the past you can't erase so live for today.
After Words - Looking Back
03-31-2014, 03:14 AM,
#5
RE: Confusing Universe
(03-30-2014, 11:30 AM)Wiztard Wrote: I was raised christian and I use to do the same thing about looking for reasons to confirm that 'god' exists, I would get that religious feeling of confirmation and wonder about the forest with a huge smile on my face saying "gods real, gods real". but after awhile I realized that if I am constantly trying to mentally assimilate something with confirming 'god' that it will always happen eventually.
Guess who has a big smile on his face right now Smile
03-31-2014, 03:42 AM,
#6
RE: Confusing Universe
I understand this experience now a bit better.

Forget the god confirmation thing, these coincidences still happen and are miraculous.

I don't believe in any religious versions of god, I don't know what I believe in.

To quote Gatis: It's just how it is.
Time to realize that the truth is not so clear!!!
Iconoclast - Silence


Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)